Humor

Baluch Students End Protest Against Online Classes After Government Pledges Internet Access

By PimMaz

Baluchistan students have finally called off their strike against online classes after successful negotiations with the Baluchistan Police and assurances from other important national institutions that the government would meet their demands. The government will provide high-speed internet service to students to continue their classes if they agree to stay in government custody. 

The breakthrough came after several Baluch students who were recently arrested by the Baluchistan Police for protesting against online classes were allowed to use the wifi at the police station. 

“This [police station] is great. You can’t imagine how fast the internet here is,” exclaimed Dr. Gul Rung Baluch, one of the student leaders, “there is electricity, fans running, and fast-fast [inter]net. This place is so different from the rest of Baluchistan. It feels like Islamabad! We are so thankful to the SHO sahib for allowing us to use their wifi.”

Dr. Baluch stated that the internet speed at the station was so fast that some of the students even managed to download their assignments and submit homework. Some students said they were not sure if their professors would be equally ‘lucky’ to be able to review their assignments. 

Additional Inspector General Police Abdul Qudoos Cheema confirmed the deal between the students and the Baluchistan government. 

“These students are our future. We love them so much that we are keeping them here in our custody,” he said, “they can treat this place as their home and use our wifi for free and for as long as they can.”

Cheema said the police had issued a ‘six-point agenda’ to the students on what they cannot do when using the sarkari wifi. For instance, the students have been told not to download Dr. Allah Nazar’s pictures or bother Jam Kamal on Twitter. 

“I told them that I am not Akhtar Mengal. So, take my six-point demands more seriously,” he said.

On hearing the deal between the students and the Baluchistan Police, the Frontier Corps (FC) also pledged to allow Baluch students to use its wifi to take online classes. 

When our correspondent reached out to Major Shahid Shahid, a spokesperson for the FC, to find out when the FC would start these services. 

“We are already there,” Major Shahid said. 

“There? Where?” our correspondent asked. 

“At Baluchistan’s educational institutions,” he replied. 

“Oh, so you have already moved to the universities?” our flabbergasted correspondent asked.

“Yes, we have been there before the pandemic broke out. We told them before that we were there for a reason.”

When our correspondent asked which institutions in Baluchistan were currently in the control of the FC, the spokesperson instead asked a clarifying question.

“Did you mean where we are NOT present yet?”

“Oh yes, that’s what I meant,” he reporter corrected himself. 

“That’s a tough question,” the spokesperson said. “I will have to check with my supervisors and get back to you.” 

Our correspondent told Major Shahid Shahid even though it was understood that the FC had control over several educational institutions, the students are at home and how they would benefit from the FC services. They need access to the wifi so that they can take virtual classes.

“Oh, didn’t I tell you that we are not accepting any new students?” the spokesperson said, “actually, we are currently over the capacity. We already have too many Baluchi (sic) students with us. So, we are not accepting more.”

A spokesperson for the Inter-Services Public Relations, the media wing of the army, said General Bajwa was deeply disturbed to know that students in Baluchistan could not take classes online due to a lack of the internet. 

“We know that the demand is too high. Unfortunately, we too are not accepting new Baluchi students given the limited resources,” Major General Wasif Ghafoor, the spokesperson, said, “however, students who are already our guests will have access to our wifi to take online classes.”

The spokesperson said General Bajwa had advised allowing the Baluch students to use the military wifi until they finish their Ph.D. 

“You know what? Time flies. Five years is nothing. We have so many Baluchis who have been with us for longer than that,” General Ghafoor said.

PimMaz, inspired by the Onion, is a fictional and satirical column and should not be taken as real news