Humor

BNP Seeks Maulana Tariq Jamil’s Help After Disciplinary Issues Rock Party’s Reputation

By PimMaz

The Balochistan National Party (BNP-Mengal) has decided to reach out to Maulana Tariq Jamil for help after reports of misconduct from the Party’s members of the provincial assembly have been hitting the headlines. Earlier this month, Akhtar Langov, a member of the Balochistan Assembly, embarrassed the Party when he told security guards outside an official building, “your father Jam Yousaf [the late father of Chief Minister Jam Kamal] cannot stop me from entering.” While the Party was still struggling to come out of this predicament as everyone in Balochistan, except the BNP’s supporters in the Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam, said this kind of foul language was against our culture and traditions.

Then came another report that a BNP leader had clashed with the staff of the Balochistan Assembly when he was requested to use a hand sanitizer before entering the provincial legislature. 

“I don’t give a s***t about hand sanitizers,” he had reportedly said and threw away the hand sanitizer.

An enraged Sardar Akhtar Mengal, the BNP president, called a meeting of the Central Committee to discuss the growing disciplinary issue within the Party.

One member suggested that the Party should hire the services of the prominent cleric Maulana Ramzan Mengal.

“Are you crazy?” objected a female member, “he is going to make our colleagues more abusive and disrespectful.”

Some members reportedly disagreed with the female member’s reservations. They said the Maulana had recently purchased new headphones. His webcam looks prettier than ever before. He sounds lovelier and sweeter now.

“Bullshit,” said another member, “do you think new headphones and webcams make you a nicer person? How dumb? Have you heard the nasty things he says about women?”

Hence, that proposal died there. 

Meanwhile, a fact-finding committee presented its report on the leader who trashed the hand sanitizer. 

It was found that it all started after another party leader from Panjgur had asked this leader if he had ever watched a Shoko Shikast movie. 

“No, I have not. Who is he?” the MPA had reportedly asked. Hence, the Panjguri leader sent him a clip of famous Balochi comedian Shoko Shikast. The MPA was completely immersed in Shoko’s rebellious dialogue.

Shoko Kanoon Manoon Namanee [Shoko recognizes no law]

The MPA kept on repeating this line 

Shoko Kanoon Manoon Namanee

Shoko Kanoon Manoon Namanee 

Shoko Kanoon Manoon Namanee

Then he told himself, if Shoko, as a mere actor, does not give a damn about any law, why he should. After all, he is an MPA. Hence, the next day, when he reached the Balochistan Assembly, he had left himself back home and imagined himself as Shoko. He had decided how to respond to the staff when they asked him to sanitize his hands. Thus, he threw away the sanitizer saying: 

Maan sanitizer manitizer namaneen [I don’t recognize any sanitizer]

The CC reminded the MPA that Shoko was just a character in a cheap movie and behaving like him in real life could land the MP in serious trouble.

Back to the search on someone who could improve the ikhlaq [manners] of some of the Party’s senior leaders.

It was decided that Maulana Tariq Jamil would be the best option for this task. 

There was a problem, though.  

Nobody had the Maulana’s cell number.

“There is only one person who has it,” said one member, and then everyone looked at him in disbelief.

“Who?” they all asked.

“Imran Khan.”

“No way,” Mengal reportedly said.

And it was learned that throughout the Party, only Mengal has Khan’s cell number. 

“Sardar sahib, you will have to make that phone call,” implored one senior leader, who is allowed to take pictures with Khan but not have his cell number. 

“No way. I am never going to call him,” Mengal stated.

However, he ultimately agreed to make that phone call after some of his advisers said that would be the right thing to do to protect the Party’s reputation.

Hence Mengal agreed to send Khan a text on WhatsApp. 

……..

Mengal: Hello.

Khan: Hi Bewafa. 

[Mengal immediately switched his keyboard to Urdu] 

Mengal: ہم وفادار نہیں، تُو بھی تو دِلدار نہیں [We are not faithful, nor are you.]

Khan: Lol. How can I help you? 

Mengal: Actually, I needed Maulana sahib’s phone number. 

Khan: Maulana?

Mengal: Yes. 

Khan: Diesel?

Mengal: Haha. No, Maulana Tariq Jamil.  

Khan: Oh, it seems you are either in deep trouble or planning to get married.

Mengal: I am not like you. The Party is having some disciplinary issues. I thought the Maulana could help us on some anger management trainings.

Khan: Welcome to the club.

Mengal: Thanks. I think we all need a maulana. 

Khan: Oh yes, they are essential. Even more important than doctors. 

Mengal: I agree. Gone are the days when they used to say you need the mullah only for the nikha or the funeral. Now, you need them at all times and for almost everything. 

Khan: You have diesel; I have Tariq Jamil. We are both politically and socially insured. Never walk without a mullah. You guys tend to be too emotional but keep my advice. Mullahs are your key to the three Ps: politics, power, and paradise. 

Mengal: Not sure about the last one. So, can you please pass Maulana sahib’s number?

Khan: Sure. But tell me, is it true that Langvo actually said all that your father cannot stop me from entering that building? 

Mengal: Ary no. He actually said your BAP [Balochistan Awami Party] can’t stop me. They just misquoted him.

Khan: Ok, that’s the BAP part; then who is Jam Yousaf? 

Mengal: My cousin. 

Khan: Why the f**k would one of your party members curse one of your dead cousins? 

Mengal: It was a mistake. Even Aslam Bhootani rebuked us for that. 

That’s why we want to work with the Maulana to build the character of our workers.

Khan: Oh, man. But that Langov comment was so inappropriate. 

Mengal: C’mon. Forget about it. You called Bin Laden a shaheed. Was that appropriate?

Khan: Haha. That I have been wanting to say for so long. I was waiting for the right time. There is no better time than now to f**k America. I am glad I have loyal supporters who are insisting that it was a slip of tongue. 

Mengal: Oh yes, your youthias.

Khan: So, if the PTI supporters are called Youthias, what do you call yours? Like, are the BNP supporters called Bumpers? 

Mengal: Great question. I never thought about it. 

Khan: I believe every Party should have a Sheikh Rasheed. 

Mengal: A Sheik who? 

Khan: Oh, I am sorry. I know you’re upset with him. I saw that video. But don’t be. We had said worse things about each other. Now, we are friends. That’s politics. So, do you have a Sheikh Rashid or a Murad Saeed in your arsenal? 

Mengal: No. But we have Sana Baloch. 

Khan: Sana? Seriously? Is that all you have?

Mengal: Yes, what’s wrong with him?

Khan: Man, Sana keeps citing from the UNDP reports and the Pakistan Economic Survey. Do you think anyone in this country gives a s**t about infant mortality rate or human development index? Send him to the UNDP or the World Economic Forum.

Mengal: I am so glad you follow our Party so closely, although we are no longer allies. But I hope you don’t mind sharing Maulana sahib’s phone number. 

Khan: Sure. 0300-786-1786

……..

Maulana: Mengal sahib, I am so glad to hear from you. I was actually thinking of recording a video about you. 

Mengal: A video about me? Why?

Maulana: Aray, have you not seen my video about Nawab Bugti? It has over a million views on Youtube. 

Mengal: Wow, that’s impressive. So, do you make these videos just to get higher views? 

Maulana: Obviously. Karna partha ey [One has to do this]. 

Mengal: That’s strange.

Maulana: It’s not. Do you sometimes not say things in your speeches that you don’t mean, but you say all that only to please the public? 

Mengal: Oh yes, all the time. 

Maulana: So, that’s what it is. That Bugti video was a big hit. I also made another video on Balochistan’s history. Since no one can fact-check it, everyone believes all the stories I have told in the video.

Mengal: I guess I will be famous once you make a video about me. When you cried for Imran Khan, that thing went viral as if the skies were going to fall within minutes.

Maulana: Oh yes. Imran Khan is an honest man. 

Mengal: Yes, I remember you saying that and begging Allah to help him from front and back. That was some weird dua. Never heard of people being helped from front and back.

Maulana: Khan sahib sent me a text saying that you needed some help with building your boys’ character. Never an easy task but let’s chat. 

Mengal: Would you come to Balochistan for a few days to hold a session on ethics for my Party? 

Maulana: I can’t come. But I can make a video. Tell everyone to subscribe to my Youtube channel. 

Mengal: We really want you to come to Balochistan.

Maulana: I wish I could, but I can’t. 

Mengal: Why not?

Maulana: Aray Hazoor, I don’t have a visa to travel to Balochistan. 

Mengal: Haha. Hazarat, you have a great sense of humor. Who would ask you for a visa to visit Balochistan?

Maulana: Did you ask who? Everybody. Everybody in this country needs a visa to travel to Balochistan. 

Mengal: Now, you sound like one of us. What happened?

Maulana: They don’t want me to go to Balochistan anymore. 

Mengal: They? Who? 

Maulana: You know who I am talking about. 

Mengal: Really? “They” don’t want you to travel to Balochistan?

Maulana: Yes, they said you can’t go there this year. 

Mengal: I don’t get it. But why can’t you come to Balochistan? 

Maulana: Mengal sahib, you zid [insist] so much.

Mengal: Yes, yes. I am curious. Why don’t they let you visit Balochistan? 

Maulana: Oh yes, they said, the year before they sent Hafiz Saeed Sahib; last year it was my turn and this year they have decided to send Shahid Afridi. 

Mengal: Oh, Shahid Afridi. What an ATM that man is. He is tricky: You don’t know whether you should get close to him because he has got a bunch of cash or stay away because he recently tested positive for corona. 

……..

When our correspondent reached out to Shoko Shikast to ask if he knew his movies were corrupting the morals of Baloch politicians, he said from his multi-million Beverly Hills condo that he was aware of it. He said he was disappointed with the Baloch MPA who refused to sanitize his hands. 

He said, “I am scared of crona, why isn’t he?”

“Why are you scared?” our reporter asked. 

Parcha k Corona Shoko Moko Nazanth.”

[Because Corona[virus] does not distinguish between Shoko and others].

PimMaz, inspired by the Onion, is a fictional and satirical column and should not be taken as real news

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Categories: Humor

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