Humor

India Officially Withdraws Support From BLA

By PimMaz

India’s premier intelligence agency, the Research and Analysis Wing (RAW), has officially decided to withdraw all support to the Baluch Liberation Army (BLA) after what it described as a failed attack on the Karachi Stock Exchange on June 29. RAW said this was the third time the Baluch insurgents had failed to accurately hit their target in an attack, indicating that they are treating the war in Baluchistan like a cricket match and were obsessed with scoring a hat-trick of failures instead of learning from their mistakes.

According to a leaked memo called Kitne Aadmi The, the decision was made at an emergency meeting held at RAW headquarters that was called to address the aftermath of the Karachi attack. Pakistan’s prime minister, Imran Khan, told the parliament that Pakistan had no doubt that India was behind the attack.

While these sensitive meetings are generally attended only by senior government officials with top security clearances, two ardent supporters of the Baluch nationalist movement, Ghazala Sabri and Tarek Shikast and renowned television anchorperson Arnab Goswami attended the meeting.

Sources said Goswami’s presence was instrumental in influencing RAW’s decision. One participant shared with the Baluch Hal the account of a heated exchange between Goswami and the Baluch rights activist. 

Goswami was reportedly stunned when he saw the photographs of the two thin young police officers who thwarted the attack.

“I hate you guys. I hate you. I thought the Baluchis were strong fighters,” Goswami reportedly said.

He pulled up the photos of the two young policemen and addressed Tarek.

Goswami swore these two guards, who failed the attack, had never attended a gym

“Tarek, I am talking to you. Look at this photograph. Look at this photograph.”

“I am looking,” Tarek said. 

“Look at this guy again. Do you think he has ever been to a gym in his entire life?”

“No,” Tarek replied, “not even close to a sports shop.”

“Do you think he ever eats eggs or apples or bananas?”

“No, I don’t think he even knows how to peel a banana,” Tarek obediently said.

“I wouldn’t trust this guy to guard a Murgi Khana (poultry farm), and the Pakistanis had him guard their stock exchange. Still, the Baluchi fighters couldn’t even overpower him. I can’t believe this.”

Nobody spoke until Goswami spoke again. 

“Now, I know why Brigadier Shafqat and Colonel Cheema always laugh at you guys. I muted their mics to give you guys a voice, and today you have disappointed not only me but everyone in India.”

One official reportedly urged Goswami to stay calm and get a glass of water. Coincidently, it sounded very similar to what Goswami often tells guests on his show as a condescending gesture. 

“I am clam,” he assured, adding, “Even Liaqat Shahwani is better than these guys. He does not know math but still got a job after coming on my show.”

An eyewitness said most senior Indian officers seemingly shared Goswami’s anguish as they realized that the BLA was continually failing to deliver the way the Lashkar-e-Taiba was to Pakistan.

“And what’s his name?” Goswami shouted again.

“Who? Dr. Allah Nazar?” Tarek asked. 

“No. The guy with long hair,” said Goswami while struggling to recall the name of another Baluch activist. 

“Mehran?” 

“Yes, Mehran,” Goswami said, “and the one with a bow tie?

“Brahumdagh ?” Tarek tried to confirm.

“Yes. Tell Mehran and Brahumdag Bugti that we don’t need your flowers or visits to Gandhi’s statue. Gandhi shall never speak to you. Karan Johar can sign you up for whatever movies he wants, but the Baluchis are dead to me.”

PimMaz, inspired by the Onion, is a fictional and satirical column and should not be taken as real news

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